Slow, methodical thought, speech, and writing frustration


I try hard to be a slow, methodical thinker.  I think it comes from having a stuttering problem when very young and having speech therapy, where I learned to think the words before saying them.

I’m still not very good at conversation, as it seems to have instilled a delay from thought to speech.

When writing, though, I can put that away.  I don’t type out misspoken words, and I have the time, generally, to consider what I have said before putting it out there.

Writing, though, tends to give me what I can only describe as a “high”.  I get excited about the act of writing, and the subject matter is inconsequential.  Every word leads to a sentence, a thought transferred into something that is real and powerful, and there is value in every word, even if only because I put the words together so that they might be read.  I type as I think, without the delay.

What happens, though, is that when I am faced with something long and involved, thoughts for a grand story, or a long essay which draws on research, I stumble around.  The thoughts, unrestrained, jumble together and I have to stop and sort them out, or try to keep up, typing them out in an orgy of near nonsense.

You’d think that planning out my words would help, but then I get lost in the miniscule details.  I then look up at the overall project, and I’m overwhelmed by the scope.  Can this be done?  Should I invest all this time into writing something which may, in turn, be received with utter derision, or worse, ignored?

At this point, my brain empties.  The planned words leave me.  The poetic description of scenes that string together into a story become hazy and hard to perceive, and I feel like I’m trying to grasp individual strands of spider silk as they float past on the breeze.

The problem I face, is how to get the images, the scenes that I form in the quiet times of my mind, without pen or paper or computer, recorded so that I can insert them into a story and tie them all together in a way that makes sense.

It’s something I struggle with, and something I hope to find a way to overcome.

Another thing I want to do is figure out how to seperate the many stories that are floating around in my head.  While thinking about multi-generational ships and the adventures that colonists might find themselves experiencing, I’ll suddenly be thrust down a different path, thinking of G3R4LD and his less than bright abductors as they hurtle through space, and then I wander down another road which begins with the question,”What if?” and leads me into a fantastic tale where scientists rip the fabric of reality and find themselves working with power that can only be described as magic.

Focus is the key, something I do poorly at best.  If I had time with silence (something that is quite the commodity in a house with 5 children under 12) I might be able to really give these things the thought process time that I really want to, perhaps set them into forms I feel could be used.  Instead, children are talking to each other or to me, their electronics draw my attention, the house and the things which need to be done draw my attention.  The next meal I need to make draws my attention.

My creative mind gets folded up and placed into a leaky box, and the stories in my mind ebb and flow and deplete with time, and I despair at the loss of the grand ideas to the point that I end up walking away from the story, unwritten or incomplete.

Someday, though.  Someday, I will get those stories down and they will be stories that I enjoy even if I am the only one that enjoys them.  Until then, I have to clean the house and fold the clothes and feed the children and make sure the bills get paid and…

(note to the reader-notice how this took several different directions.  would it surprise you to know that when I started, it was going to be about slow, methodical thought and how it helps me when I can do it?  every time I stopped to react to something, the direction changed, words were lost, and it became this.)

Back to the world.

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